My neighbor is retired.  So he cuts the grass.  Twice a week.  Even when there's been no rain.  Because there's nothing else to do except things he doesn't want to do, that actually need to be done.

 My life is a lot of "it seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together with meals and naps.

 Why do you let other people tell you who you are?

People will tell you what you think and what you feel, like they're you and could possibly know.

People will tell you that you have mental problems, or a temper, because you disagree with them.

People will label and judge you no matter what you do.  So you might as well do what you want.

People will tell you that you "make" them feel certain ways.  You can't control other people's feelings.  

People will correct your memory, updated with a version of events that makes them look better.

People will blame you when shit goes wrong, but want credit when shit goes right.

Don't let yourself believe someone else's opinion of you, especially when it's just a reaction.

You aren't who someone else says you are.  They project their own flaws onto you.

When all else fails, people become children having tantrums and calling you names.

People will blame you for what they did wrong.  You don't control other people's behavior.

Nobody is that powerful, so stop living like they are, and like you are.

 "I'll do it tomorrow"

And other lies I tell myself.

I procrastinate so much, I'll probably put off death and never die.  And then I'll be late for my own funeral.

Sometimes, success is getting the trash put out.

Sometimes, success is getting the laundry into the dryer before mildew sets in.

These aren't the successes of the rich and famous, because they have people for that.

So then I wonder, if you're already at the top, what's a success anymore?

If you're already rich, already famous, whatever, what is there to strive for?

Seems to me, if you already have success, all you have is stuff to fear losing.

Just my thoughts on why it's probably not better to be a billionaire or a celebrity.

 So now they're back to saying red meat is good for you.

Red meat was never bad for you.  Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

 Insanity doesn't run in my family.  I got it all.

 So you probably know a few assholes.  Most of us do.  

There's a real easy way to get past the shit they do, instead of being provoked by it and carrying it around with you.  And the bonus is, you get revenge without even trying.

It's simple.  While they are responsible for their words and actions, the majority of people have no idea at all why they say what they say or do what they do.  They don't have a clue why they're the way they are.

But they'll argue and fight, and tell you, "It's just the way I am" with their dying breath.

So they're saying they can't help being an asshole.  Because it's just the way they are.

What they mean is, I look at things the way I do and you can't change my mind.  I feel how I feel and you can't change that.  I have my beliefs and opinions and they're right.  I have my routines and habits and there's no reason I should have to change them.

So, next time you're dealing with their bullshit, you just cut it off by waving your hand and saying, "I know, I know, you can't help it."

This will throw them, because they won't know what you mean.  I can't help what?  I'm talking about how something should be, giving my opinion, or I'm demanding something of you - how the hell does that turn into it's just the way I am?

They have no clue why they're the way they are.  They'll never change.  You leave out the part about being an asshole, and leave them wondering.  Now they want to know exactly how you think they are that they can't help.  It'll drive them crazy.

Considering how important people find it to be taken seriously, to be seen as speaking and acting with intent, and considering how much they value their freedom and free will, when you say this to them, you're telling them they don't have free will - they're doomed to always act in predictable ways because they're wired that way.  It'll drive them crazy.  They'll try to convince you otherwise.  Oh, now you want to try to convince me that you choose to be an asshole?  They lose either way.

You know, either you're wired a certain way and can't change, and therefore don't have free will, which means you can't take credit for accomplishing anything in life, or you have free will, which means you're in charge of what you say and do, and you choose to be an asshole.  Which is it?

 Call me crazy, but given all the sleazy stuff we know about Big Tech, I think it's worth questioning why the only way to delete things is via a recycle bin.

 Only in America can you sue a fast-food joint because the food is hot and you burned your mouth.

If it wasn't that hot, you'd be suing them for salmonella.

You know, when you're at home, and you cook something, don't you have to wait a couple minutes or else you'll burn yourself?

Suing over scalding hot coffee.  Same thing about when you're at home.  What do you do, sue the coffee company?  Sue the company that makes the coffee maker?  Sue yourself?

Then there was the person who sued over the portion size in some meal kit, mac and cheese or something.  It said it makes this much, and it didn't.  I need millions of dollars for my pain and suffering over this outrageous disappointment.

So I'm thinking, it's decades overdue to sue the makers of chocolate bars and potato chips, because the prices keep going up and the size of the portion gets smaller.  I need millions of dollars to help me come to terms with the fact that 50 cents won't buy me a big, satisfying chocolate bar anymore, or that it takes 2 or 3 bags of chips to feel like I ate chips.

What's next?  Suing people over their opinions?  We have a thing called freedom of speech, you know.  If they're not defaming you or threatening you, they can say pretty much what they want and you have to roll with it.

 

Wait, maybe we could sue TV stations for changing their programming.  You know, on Tuesday night, certain shows are supposed to be on, and you've ruined my life and caused dire pain and suffering by changing what shows are on.  Or is that a suit against the TV shows themselves?  Their seasons end, you know.

Last one - somebody suing a big oil company because - get this - they were a victim of a robbery at a gas station and convenience store bearing that company name.  If I have to explain to you what's fucked up about that, you're too stupid to be here.

 I got a dozen roses for my wife.

I think it was a fair trade.  I gave them to my girlfriend.

 Sarcasm, Inc. started out as a page on a social network.  I won't say where, because I don't like using the F word.  

It then had stints on YouTube, G+, Twitter, Pinterest, and its own site.  The site still exists, but is in unpublished mode.  You kind of need to be active on some social media somewhere to direct traffic to a site, unless you pay for ads.

When it was a page and an entity on social platforms, there were admins involved to keep up the posting, and most of it was in the form of captioned images, most of which were "stolen" by people with other pages to post on their own.  That's just how it works.  There's very few creators of original content.  Hell, even people on Twitter who write funny stuff find it on websites.

I wouldn't want to be a content creator again with the pressure of keeping a social media presence updated.  Nobody got paid for what they put out there back then.  Now, people can put together any random shit and post in online somewhere and make money from it.

The best humor, and indeed the best sarcasm, is found in the writings and the videos by people who aren't there for humor, but who have a good sense of humor.  The humor circuit on social media gets stale - partly because everybody is ripping off everybody else's stuff, so you're seeing it redundantly - and there's really something to be said for spontaneous comments.

Social media makes you have to mass produce your humor or whatever content, which leads to its eventual loss of quality.  And then there's 20 million other people doing the exact same thing. Of course, this happens with everything.  But there will be a time, believe it or not, when social media as you know it will have fallen into the past.  Society will move on at some point.

Stop sitting on lame social networks mindlessly scrolling through a feed full of shit you're not interested in anymore.  Look around the internet outside those sites.  When you find something you like, tell people about it and save it and keep going back to it.  See, you're bored a lot of the time now on social media, and it's your own fault.  By sitting there when it doesn't do it for you anymore, you're part of the problem.  Go broaden your horizons and share what you find, and help build an internet based on what people really want, instead of what algorithms served you.

Keep calm and be sarcastic.  This message has been brought to you by Sarcasm, Inc.

 I was thinking, which is always a dangerous pursuit for me.

You know how most of your socks get divorced eventually?  Well, how do we know the missing socks aren't all victims of sock murders?  You never see them again, right?

Remember, what was cute and made you fall in love in the beginning, given 20 years or so, becomes what police call "motive"

Maybe all the socks are with Jimmy Hoffa.

 Your words might have more of an impact on others if you knew how to spell some of them.

 You blame society

but you ARE society

 Right now, as you read this, someone with a huge YouTube following is killing a roach with a slipper.

 You're either at the table, or on the menu.

 Don't you just hate it when you have the whole conversation planned out and the other person keeps saying the wrong things?

 I've turned into my father.  He always used to tell stories about going to the store and buying a loaf of bread, a quart of milk, and a newspaper for a quarter.  Now I'm telling stories about going to the store with $10 and buying a pack of cigarettes, a 6-pack, a loaf of bread, and a newspaper.  Nowadays, you need $10 for his trip to the store, and $20 for mine.

 There are states in which you can't have an abortion, can't have "gender-affirming" care, and can't read certain books or talk about certain things.

In these same states, children are allowed to work in slaughterhouses and fast-food joints, and some have no minimum age for marriage.

So you can't talk about gay or periods or history like slavery, and if your daughter is raped she has to have a baby when she's a child herself, but she can go to work and help support your inbred family.  It's not like kids need to get an education, right?  

Besides, if your kid goes to school, they're likely to die in a mass shooting, because the schools don't have only one door.  They're much better off cleaning a slaughterhouse till 2 in the morning and having their uncle's baby when they're 12 and getting married at 13.

What country are we in again?

 There's 7 trillion nerves in the human body.

And some people can get on every last one of them.

 Prayer is the best way to meet the Lord.

Texting while driving is faster.

 I wear the pants in the household.

Please don't tell my wife I said that.

 To all the people I haven't offended yet, thank you for staying the hell away from me.

 You can't save your face and your ass at the same time.

 "You're not the center of the universe"

How do you know?  It has to be somewhere.

 I do my best thinking when I don't.

 Everybody wants to change the world, but nobody wants to change the toilet paper.

 Why do people tell you to be careful after you already tripped?

 It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

 I never offer help because I don't like to make empty offers.

 Comedy:  when shit happens to other people

Tragedy:  when the same shit happens to you

 Ladies, if a man says he's going to fix something, he will.

There's no need to keep reminding him every 6 months about it.

 Someday, when we finally get to see what's inside a black hole, we'll find all the missing socks.

 The speed of light is not the fastest possible speed.

The speed at which people are politically triggered is much faster.

 Sometimes, the best revenge is giving people exactly what they want.

 20 years ago:  if I had a million dollars, I'd be rich

today:  if I had a million dollars, I could pay the bills AND buy groceries

 I think life updated the terms and conditions and didn't notify me.

 Someday, I'm going to get my life together.

Today is not that day.

 Don't try to understand me.  I don't even understand myself.

 "Here's a picture of me when I was younger."

Every picture is a picture of you when you were younger.

 Don't worry about what other people think.

Most of them don't.

 Always remember you're unique and special.

Just like everybody else.

 Come on, inner peace.  I don't have all day.